Where have you been hiding, Michelle?

I thought I should jot a note for anyone who might wander here...  I have been going through a very hard season of pressing pretty much since August of 2015.  Maybe even before that.  April of 2015?   I feel like at some point every year, I find myself saying, man, this has been a rough year!

I had declared at the end of 2015 that 2016 was going to be ridiculously amazing! 

I am ever the believer in good and hope.  

It has been hit after hit since January.  I don't even have time to recover from one life upheaval before the next sets in. 

But ya know what has been amazing? 

NONE of it has taken me out.  

None of it has sidelined me.  And I've kept moving forward all the while.  And though I haven't been here, I have been finding all sorts of beautiful opportunities to minister to and encourage others in so many mediums.  

Turns out, This Encouragement Project is a lot bigger than I had guessed. Figures.  God's big. What He calls me to is gonna be big, too.  And thus, the prep season for moving into it... Has been big. 

What's really cool though is that all while I'm being pressed, and the junk is getting cleaned out, I'm being refined... I'm getting chances all over the place to leave a mark.  Impact this world for good. For love.  For hope.  And yes, the mental health aspect of the ministry is starting to come out in ways I never expected. 

My work with NAMI Virginia continues.  I still occasionally work on graphic design for Outside In Ministries.  But beyond that, I am putting my own personal message out there.  Sometimes online.  Sometimes in handwritten notes to single people to remind them they're valued.   

I remain stymied In one relationship as to how to proceed - that with my dad.  It's so broken, I'm just letting it be.  There's nothing else I can do for it right now but give it space to breathe and hope at some point, healing will come.  Grace will be infused in my heart where such wreckage remains for now.  

I have been writing poetry. I have been creating art. I have been tending to my soul and graciously God has allowed me to tend to the souls of others.  I will continue to be faithful: where He leads, I'll follow.  To that end, I've no idea how active or how large a part this blog will play or even what format the posts may evolve to take... Or how their nature may shift in response to this outgrowth of what I once thought was a very centered and straightforward mission. 

So if you miss me, look out into the fields... I'm out there, sowing seeds of hope and grace, mercy and light.  Wave to me, but don't take it personally if I don't get to wave back.  There's so much tending and planting to be done.   There are so many who need to be encouraged, lifted up, reminded they matter, they are seen... They are not just loved, but cherished!  

I imagine this is the best calling I could have asked for, perfectly suited for me after all I have lived and continue to go through... I am ever so grateful for the chance to walk unabashedly in my truth, scattering bits of joy and peace along behind me wherever I go.  

I may not be back for a while, but I wish you love for your soul.  The kind of love that sets you free and makes you whole.  I invite you to read my other writings while I'm away. Until next time, I'll be out in the field... It's a long job ahead of me, perhaps even an endless one.  I can certainly imagine it will well keep me busy until He brings me home. ❤️

God bless.  Be good and kind to one another in my absence. 

-K. Michelle Payne

At last, a home for my heart...

My time with God is precious to me;

it cannot be replaced by anything. 

And His words, when I'm still and hear Him speak,

are beautiful; there's nothing quite so sweet. 

My Lord himself, my treasure complete,

I find in Him all I could ever need. 

And when I'm faltering and failing, weak,

I'm refreshed as I pause, lean in and seek

[HIM]

My time alone with my Father

can be replicated by no other. 

He is an anchor for my soul. 

I delight in Him; He makes me whole. 

Long I wandered, vainly seeking,

in this world, craving meaning. 

He bid me come, revealed to me

whose I am, in Him my real identity. 

God gave my life true purpose, 

unshakeable...

And finally, my heart is 

[HOME]

At last I exhale completely in utter peace, 

this love, just so remarkable. 

Sheltered

...and the rain keeps falling, harder now;

You shelter me

from this and all things. 

I'm protected, safe here under Your wing

as life roars and rages

seeming out of control,

and all else spirals beyond. 

In You I find sweet refuge and respite

from the torrent as it rolls,

assured You'll see me through 

no matter what may come. 

Deep within, I have a sweet and lasting peace,

in You is all my hope. 

I'm blessed beyond measure

in every circumstance,

regardless what situation should arise...

Because You are my God and King,

my Papa, my love, and soul's delight. 

Abba!  My one true Father!

Praise You, my all, my everything.  

My utmost desire... It has always been You.

“Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.”

Psalm 37:4 AMP

God, my Papa.  Jesus, my sweet Savior, closest Friend, Lover of my soul, the One who completes and makes me whole. Spirit, my Helper, my Guide and Leader in all things.  YOU.  Beautiful Three-in-One - blessed Trinity divine...  You are the desire, the utmost want of my heart and soul.  None else satisfies; nothing and no one other than You can quench this thirst, the depths of my craving hunger for pure, true love and grace - for real life, abundant, free and full - for light and peace that overflows.  It is YOU... and You alone. 

I desire more of You

     in every part of my life

           with every fiber of my being. 

It is You that I want...

And I praise You that You will not ever leave me lacking.  

Help me come early and often to You.  Help me stop hiding and running, trying to fill all these empty places with worldly balms that will never fulfill my heart's real desire.  

It's You. It always has been.  It always will be.  

It's You I want - it's You I need. ❤️

“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’”

Mark 12:30 NIV

My God, my Abba!

Who crowns me with His love

and covers me with sweet grace;

Who is bigger than all my mountains

and cradles me in His loving embrace? 

Who goes before me in all things;

Whose favor prepares a way?

Who upholds me in the face of adversity

and triumphantly delivers me through unashamed?

My God, my Abba!  I proclaim.

My heart cries out to You alone,

for You alone can save. 

My hope rests surely in You;

I find soul peace in Your name. 

I hide myself away under Your wing,

meditating in Your presence night and day. 

My God, my Abba!  O, my righteous, holy Judge,

search my heart and know all my ways. 

Cleanse and make me whole again;

right my course anew for Your sake. 

I search for You and find You;

all Your promises are just and true. 

Come now and fill my heart, this place;

hide not from me the glory of Your face. 

“Then you will seek Me, inquire for, and require Me [as a vital necessity] and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. [Deut. 4:29-30.]”

Jeremiah 29:13 AMP

The purpose of my unraveling...

As I come undone, let it be ever and only in Your hands. 

Remake me entirely in Your image alone, leaving all worldliness behind, becoming Your likeness completely.  

Consecrate me for Yourself. Refine and purify me.  Strip me down that only You remain.  Uphold me only by Your love and grace.  

Saturate and satisfy me.  Complete me; make me whole and new.  Bring about Your plans and accomplish Your purposes for my life.  Lead me on in Your will in all I say and do.  

May You be glorified in and through my life and all that I am; all I become, my everything, belonging in whole, solely to You. 

Hide me away...

I am tired.  Exhausted, frustrated,

and done beyond done.   My entire being wearied from drowning in distress.  I have lifted my voice to heaven and God is calling out to me.  I have gone to hide myself away in my Mighty Fortress, my Father.  He alone is my Strength and Shield.  He is the One I need. 

"Hide me away. 

Hide me away, my Strong Tower.  Tuck me under Your wing and grant me refuge from the storm.  You are my Safe Place.   In You, I find comfort and Your peace restores my weary soul.  

Hide me away, Papa.  Protect and cover me.  Watch over and hold me close.  Only You can uphold me, knit me back together and make me whole.  

Hide me away, my Abba God.  Let me feel Your warm embrace.  Help me let go so I can rest.

Yes, let me rest that I may find renewed strength and revival in You.  Nurture my wounded heart as Your grace attends my soul."

... If you need me, I'll be in *witness protection* the rest of the afternoon. ❤️