contemplating the new year... a conversation with my Lord

12/31/14

    How do I even begin to ask what You want for me in the coming year, Lord?  When it's been days since I spent any real time in prayer... I've allowed the busyness of life to crowd out my time with You & I've been lackluster about getting back to it, even though I know from experience the joy that comes from dedicated pursuit of a life lived devoted to You.

    Forgive me, Lord - I have been so stubborn, dragging my heels and wandering, distracted - knowing that time and again You have told me to "do the work, Michelle - your work will be rewarded."

    I am so sorry I have been caught up in the old habit of doing it on my own - not giving you my best and my all, but rather just some, pieces, parts, when all You want is my whole heart.  Please, Lord, Spirit, Father God, bring me back - renew the flame inside me and help me to be diligent and focused so that I can revel in my relationship with You.  Help me remember that we have work to do & I need to seek You first, above any other, always and in all ways, with zeal and fervor, with all enthusiasm - help me recall how good it is to walk plugged into You, glowing with Your light and love - the radiant bride - that that is the mode of life You desire for me - so full of You that I exude joy and life to those around me that others might know You more.

    Thank You so much for being so patient with me and restoring me to a right place with You in loving kindness and mercy and grace.  Thank You so much that as soon as I put pen to paper, I am intrinsically connected to You no matter how long I've been strayed or how far I've felt from Your Presence.  Thank You that whenever I wander off course, You have never moved, and You always welcome me back jubilant and delighted at my return to Your loving embrace.  You are my Love - how could I forget this beautiful feeling that covers over me when I am with You, in tune and connected to You - why would I ever stray?

    No, it's never intentional, my wandering - but please, I beg You help me find a way to be accountable to stay diligent in my communication with You - Spirit, please by my partner and remind me often of this beautiful and good, lovely feeling - although it is so much more than that - so that I would yearn and strive daily to cast all else aside to spend devoted time with my Jesus.

    Praise You, praise You, Three in One for bringing me back to this notebook today.  I love You so much and just praise You with all that I am for calling me to You and being my Lord, my Savior, my Father, my Creator - the Lover of my Soul <3 yes, Jesus - more of You in my life in 2015, I pray - more of You in every nook and cranny, every crevice - may I be so filled with You there is no space for self, no room for the enemy and his demons to hide - so full of You that everyone I see, all I know, can't help but see You in me - in every word I speak and every move I make - in my life, Lord, be glorified!  Better yet, no longer my life but Yours!

    This year, help me to be crucified with You that I would die to self - that it not be me who lives, but You, Jesus Christ, who lives in me.  Empty me out that I may be just a vessel of the love and grace, mercy and power of the Holy Spirit that You can use me thoroughly however You choose to minister to the needs of others - for Your Glory, Your Honor, Your Name, Your Kingdom!

Yes, Lord, less of me & more of You - please let it be!

In Your Most Holy Name I pray,

Amen <3 

_____________ and this is what He said to me...____________

   Yes, Michelle, this is what I want of You - that's why you felt the pace of your writing quicken - you were being led by the Spirit to pray this way.  I will help you plan your days - I want to be the primary part of them - do not be anxious or overwhelmed.  I know you feel daunted at all that is laid before you now that you are well, but take heart knowing that I will be with you to lead and to guide you.  I know you want to get back to your (good) habits, but remember what I have told you - seek me first.  Everything else will come, trust me - I have not brought you this far to abandon you.  We have great work to do, but do not be afraid.  The Spirit is your partner - seek Him, engage with Him - practice communicating with Him.  I want you to focus on developing an obedient heart - when He speaks to you, no matter how small the issue - I want you to be ready and willing - to gladly acknowledge it is the voice of God directing you and respond in joy of honoring Him.  When I can trust you with the small things, then I can trust you with the bigger things.  Do the work, Michelle.  I love you.  Always.  

Jesus <3 

[about this blog]


© K. Michelle Payne 2014

it's never intentional... (a poem)

If you're at all like me, your spiritual walk has been kind of a roller coaster... you can reflect back on times in your life when you have been totally on fire... and times when you have just kind of fallen by the wayside - when you've gotten all distracted and wrapped up in life and lost sight of your Savior... and you get to a point, once this process has repeated itself many times over, where you just wonder - why do I keep repeating this cycle??  Why can't I find my committed path and stick to it... You know that your spiritual health is important to you... You have no doubt about your love for God and your belief in Christ as your Savior... Yet still, somehow... we wander from time to time...

It has recently dawned on me that this wandering is more often than not completely unintentional in design...  of course, I've also read about it in teachings - that the devil.. he's always looking to lead us astray (a lion roaming about looking to devour anyone vulnerable - sound familiar, anyone?)... and he distracts us, leads us away from our committed life, very subtly most of the time... It's not that any of us set out purposefully to turn our backs on our faith... We don't wake up one morning and say, "Self, what can I do today to derail the progress I've been making with God lately?"  No, it's very rarely intentional, our wandering... But the end result is the same, nonetheless... We try and try of our own will to get life done... To take care of all our responsibilities and to make headway on our goals... and we end up frustrated, and rightly so... Because we were never intended to do this life all on our own... 

it's never intentional... (a poem)

I never deliberately plan

To go about my day in such a way

As to purposefully neglect my Lord

And ignore the tending to my faith

My focus totally fragmented

Interests calling me in eight directions

Never quite accomplishing anything great

I find myself so often frustrated

Left wondering what I’m doing wrong

Feeling something crucial is missing

Sunken inside myself, wholly unfulfilled

A critical element entirely lacking

And days go on and on

As I continue to pursue

Dreams and aspirations I’ve chosen for myself

Without consulting you

Until I am eaten up with the empty

That comes from a life fed only by this world

And I collapse again in utter agony

No longer sustained by my own will

And there in the darkness

Of my own creation

I hear and feel an intimate whispering

The Spirit prodding, gently urging me

Finally I can see where I’ve gone amiss

And set about to collect myself

I seek forgiveness for wandering aimlessly

Completely discounting my spiritual health

Tears silently stream down my cheeks

As I bare my soul and confess

I’m so nothing without you, sweet Jesus

A wasted, washed up mess

I praise You that all the while

You’ve been waiting, watching quietly

Anticipating the very moment

 I’d recognize this built-in need

For spiritual nourishment

And guidance at Your hand

You never impose Yourself

You just stand by and understand

I’ve got to find my way back to You

As many times as it takes

The Christian life is constant process

Of choosing to habitually rededicate

So thankful after all this time

And all that we’ve been through

You’re still my Savior - always will be

I call you mine - I belong to You

And I hope someday I learn

To acknowledge You in all I do

The Love of my life, my Redeemer

You’re the One I should pursue.

[about this blog]


© K. Michelle Payne 2014

about my bully... (a poem)

This came to me last night as I was trying to sleep - this and another poem simply would not be kept quiet within me... I was tossing and turning, these thoughts circling in my mind - stanzas forming without effort - I had to give them a voice, a release... 

I began reading Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer three days ago - and Sunday watched a sermon about releasing to God all the toxic and hurtful words that have been spoken to us over the years... words that most of us have unintentionally internalized... that have then gone on to inform our personalities and how we present ourselves to the world... how we see ourselves, our sense of value and self-worth... 

The first sermon in the series on soul detoxification, Lethal Language, started out with focusing on getting the crap we've been fed out of our systems - so that we can then be re-fed, reprogrammed with good, uplifting, spirit-building TRUTH...  I have to tell you when I began watching the service, I wasn't totally engaged, but by the end, I was touched beyond words... moved to a flood of tears... 

The Spirit of God has made it clear to me that I have been living in bondage to toxic words for far too long... And I know from previous Bible studies that my Lord came to set me free from bondage, not just from sin, but in every area of my life... I also know that any aspect of my life where I'm still a captive to my past (or to whatever the subject matter may be) is an area that the devil can create a stronghold in my mind - in a sense, where he can have power over me... and I want none of that!!!!  

I know that this emotional healing that I'm pursuing may be a long, at times painful, process... but I am so grateful to God for bringing this book in combination with this series of sermons to my life at a point when I'm mentally ready for it... Able to devote my time and energies to dealing with issues as the Spirit brings them to the front of my conscioius mind...  And so thankful that the Spirit will deal with me in love and kindness and compassion, as is His nature... So glad that I have the best Counselor I could ever want dwelling within me... 

about my bully... (a poem)

He called me “swamp thing”

All through school

My bully, my tormenter 

It took some time on my part

But now far enough removed

I know him simply as ‘the fool’

An idiot whose name

Is not even worth a mention

I’ve no idea to this day

Why his sole intention

Seemed to be to single me out

Berate me for no reason

What a sad, pitiful existence

It must have been for him

Teasing me just to gain

A sense of self assurance

Those words haunted me as I grew up

Even though they made no sense

Kept wishing he’d just disappear

And leave me the hell alone

His taunts echoed in my head

Over years creating inside

A sense of self doubt and dread

In times past I’ve wanted to look him up

Give him a piece of my mind

But I’ve come to realize as I’ve matured

He’s not even worth the time

All the trauma that he caused

I need to release

Allow my Comforter to heal me

Restore my confidence and peace

Let go of every toxic word

That’s ever been spoken o’er me

Reclaim my truth as God declares

I’m beautiful, loved and worthy.

-K. Michelle Payne 

© K. Michelle Payne 2014