Wednesday, October 8, 2014

it's never intentional... (a poem)

If you're at all like me, your spiritual walk has been kind of a roller coaster... you can reflect back on times in your life when you have been totally on fire... and times when you have just kind of fallen by the wayside - when you've gotten all distracted and wrapped up in life and lost sight of your Savior... and you get to a point, once this process has repeated itself many times over, where you just wonder - why do I keep repeating this cycle??  Why can't I find my committed path and stick to it... You know that your spiritual health is important to you... You have no doubt about your love for God and your belief in Christ as your Savior... Yet still, somehow... we wander from time to time...

It has recently dawned on me that this wandering is more often than not completely unintentional in design...  of course, I've also read about it in teachings - that the devil.. he's always looking to lead us astray (a lion roaming about looking to devour anyone vulnerable - sound familiar, anyone?)... and he distracts us, leads us away from our committed life, very subtly most of the time... It's not that any of us set out purposefully to turn our backs on our faith... We don't wake up one morning and say, "Self, what can I do today to derail the progress I've been making with God lately?"  No, it's very rarely intentional, our wandering... But the end result is the same, nonetheless... We try and try of our own will to get life done... To take care of all our responsibilities and to make headway on our goals... and we end up frustrated, and rightly so... Because we were never intended to do this life all on our own... 

it's never intentional... (a poem)

I never deliberately plan
To go about my day in such a way
As to purposefully neglect my Lord
And ignore the tending to my faith

My focus totally fragmented
Interests calling me in eight directions
Never quite accomplishing anything great
I find myself so often frustrated

Left wondering what I’m doing wrong
Feeling something crucial is missing
Sunken inside myself, wholly unfulfilled
A critical element entirely lacking

And days go on and on
As I continue to pursue
Dreams and aspirations I’ve chosen for myself
Without consulting you

Until I am eaten up with the empty
That comes from a life fed only by this world
And I collapse again in utter agony
No longer sustained by my own will

And there in the darkness
Of my own creation
I hear and feel an intimate whispering
The Spirit prodding, gently urging me

Finally I can see where I’ve gone amiss
And set about to collect myself
I seek forgiveness for wandering aimlessly
Completely discounting my spiritual health

Tears silently stream down my cheeks
As I bare my soul and confess
I’m so nothing without you, sweet Jesus
A wasted, washed up mess

I praise You that all the while
You’ve been waiting, watching quietly
Anticipating the very moment
 I’d recognize this built-in need

For spiritual nourishment
And guidance at Your hand
You never impose Yourself
You just stand by and understand

I’ve got to find my way back to You
As many times as it takes
The Christian life is constant process
Of choosing to habitually rededicate

So thankful after all this time
And all that we’ve been through
You’re still my Savior - always will be
I call you mine - I belong to You

And I hope someday I learn
To acknowledge You in all I do
The Love of my life, my Redeemer
You’re the One I should pursue.



[about this blog]


© K. Michelle Payne 2014




Tuesday, October 7, 2014

about my bully... (a poem)

This came to me last night as I was trying to sleep - this and another poem simply would not be kept quiet within me... I was tossing and turning, these thoughts circling in my mind - stanzas forming without effort - I had to give them a voice, a release... 

I began reading Beauty for Ashes by Joyce Meyer three days ago - and Sunday watched a sermon about releasing to God all the toxic and hurtful words that have been spoken to us over the years... words that most of us have unintentionally internalized... that have then gone on to inform our personalities and how we present ourselves to the world... how we see ourselves, our sense of value and self-worth... 

The first sermon in the series on soul detoxification, Lethal Language, started out with focusing on getting the crap we've been fed out of our systems - so that we can then be re-fed, reprogrammed with good, uplifting, spirit-building TRUTH...  I have to tell you when I began watching the service, I wasn't totally engaged, but by the end, I was touched beyond words... moved to a flood of tears... 

The Spirit of God has made it clear to me that I have been living in bondage to toxic words for far too long... And I know from previous Bible studies that my Lord came to set me free from bondage, not just from sin, but in every area of my life... I also know that any aspect of my life where I'm still a captive to my past (or to whatever the subject matter may be) is an area that the devil can create a stronghold in my mind - in a sense, where he can have power over me... and I want none of that!!!!  

I know that this emotional healing that I'm pursuing may be a long, at times painful, process... but I am so grateful to God for bringing this book in combination with this series of sermons to my life at a point when I'm mentally ready for it... Able to devote my time and energies to dealing with issues as the Spirit brings them to the front of my conscioius mind...  And so thankful that the Spirit will deal with me in love and kindness and compassion, as is His nature... So glad that I have the best Counselor I could ever want dwelling within me... 




about my bully... (a poem)

He called me “swamp thing”
All through school
My bully, my tormenter 

It took some time on my part
But now far enough removed
I know him simply as ‘the fool’

An idiot whose name
Is not even worth a mention
I’ve no idea to this day
Why his sole intention

Seemed to be to single me out
Berate me for no reason
What a sad, pitiful existence
It must have been for him

Teasing me just to gain
A sense of self assurance
Those words haunted me as I grew up
Even though they made no sense

Kept wishing he’d just disappear
And leave me the hell alone
His taunts echoed in my head
Over years creating inside
A sense of self doubt and dread

In times past I’ve wanted to look him up
Give him a piece of my mind
But I’ve come to realize as I’ve matured
He’s not even worth the time

All the trauma that he caused
I need to release
Allow my Comforter to heal me
Restore my confidence and peace

Let go of every toxic word
That’s ever been spoken o’er me
Reclaim my truth as God declares

I’m beautiful, loved and worthy.

-K. Michelle Payne 

© K. Michelle Payne 2014